I have a strong internal narrative about who I am as a runner. This inner-runner is dogged and determined, and has over a decade of experience. This inner runner also doesn't understand why I haven't improved. I should; after all, I've put in all thse years of work!

But. . .have I really? How much of that internal narrative is rooted in reality? Not so much, it turns out. What I tell myself about myself has very little to do with what I've actually done.

Technically, I've been running for 16 years. I started when I joined the Navy. In the service, you take twice-yearly fitness tests that include a 1.5 mile run. You'd think that means I kept up a steady running habit year round, but no. I'd not run for about 5 months, panic a month or so out from the test, and over-do it juuuuuuuust enough to pass the test. The most I ever ran in any one year was probably four months, and those were almost certainly not consecutive months.

I wasn't any better when I got out of the Navy. I'd run like crazy for a month or two or three and then back-slide either due to burn-out or injury (both the unsurprising side effects of my tendancy to over-do it or take on goals that I'm not prepared for). Then I'd start to miss it, and pick it up again several months ago only to repeat the process. Last year, the year I tried to train for a marathon, was the most stable my running habit has ever been, and that was only six months out of the year. And it was just another example of the disconnent between Real Runner Jenn and Internal Narrative Runner Jenn.

Towards the end of my six month plan, I pulled out the excel spreadsheet I tracked my workouts on and crunched some numbers. I felt pretty confident about how well I'd adhered to the plan. My actual compliance rate? 60%. I pretty much failed the training plan. No wonder I ended up injured again. I was hardly putting in the work, and the worst part is that I was convinced that I was. Which tells me that I cannot be trusted to adhere to a training plan without accountability. Be it another runner, a running group, a training log that I review several times a week. Whatever. I need something to keep me on track.

But it also tells me that I don't really know what I'm capable of. I haven't improved, because I haven't put in the work. What if I do? How far can I go with a bit of consistency? Chop wood, carry water. It's the boring but necessary day-to-day work that'll get me there. I just need to, you know, actually do it. To that end, I'm signing up for 10K training program through my local running store. I considered the half-marathon program, but I've got a bad habit of taking on too much too soon. Maybe with the benefit of weekly group runs and access to a running coach, I can get to the start line healthy and well-prepared. Maybe 2019 is the year the Inner Narrative Jenn and Actual Jenn merge.