Excuse me, but who am I even?

It's 2019 and I can't run. The calf/ankle issue I've been dealing with since last summer has not magically gone away (weird. . .). I'm going back to physical therapy, which likely means a good 6-8 weeks without running. Ugh. Another activity bites the (hopefully temporary) dust.

I haven't done Crossfit since my gym closed last year. That came after three years of Crossfit being the be all, end all of my fitness life. it was the first thing I'd ever done that made me feel atheltic, which was a huge deal for a former lazy fat kid with body image issues. I haven't done a Spartan race since 2017. That year I ran a whole lot of them, and become known as a Bad Ass Bitch to my friends.

So, here I am: no running, no Crossfit, and no interest in shelling out the amount of money required to do Spartans again. In theory, it shouldn't be a problem. There are still so many things I can do: swim, cycle, yoga, etc. My local Y has a fantastic facility, and great selection of fitness classes. I'm not worried aobut staying fit. I'll manage.

The problem is that my silly, compulsive brain has latched on to Being Athletic these last few years. It's all intertwined with my sense of self, and, more importantly, my self-esteem. This is especially true of running races and Spartans. That endorphin hit of getting a medal at the end, and having a race bib to pin up on the wall, and Official Results to compare to other, previous results is pretty addictive. It gave me something to focus on and point so and say, "Look, I did a Thing." And sometimes I even did it well, which was extra exciting. They were proof that I, former unhealthy lazy bum, was an athlete. I was strong. I Did Things.

But maybe this injury is a good thing then. Not for my running, of course, but for my mental health. It's an opportunity to extricate my athletic activities from my sense of self-worth. After all, I'm not a pro or an elite; I can't even win a small local race. Everything I do is purely for self-edification. I'm racing only my past performances. I need to learn how to enjoy using my body without obsessing over race times or training plans or PRs. I hope I'm back to running soon. I miss it already. But I need to learn that I can be a Bad Ass Bitch with or without a medal to hang on my wall.